Dammit!
I’m not sure that smile is something I have done in a week or two. It’s not that my personal life is that awful, mostly, it’s just the planet is. This place is on fire! Oh, I can hear what you’re saying: “It’s not that bad!”
OK, we’re going to have to have a little chat. I can’t really hear anything you’re saying but I can pretend, even grant myself super powers… in my mind. Santa really does have it going on. He KNOWS when you’re being bad, I only claim random voices in my head.
Where were we again? Oh yeah, life blows chunks and I’m supposed to talk about why I’m smiling in the middle of this shit-show. OK, that did make me smile.
It could be worse: I could have been in the Hospital yesterday; oh wait, I was in the hospital yesterday. Dammit… OK, then tomorrow could be like Thanksgiving in my country and I … dammit! See, I was all happy until I started wondering what the hell I have to be all happy about.
And maybe that’s the point – Happiness comes from inside. In American English, it’s called “being happy in your own skin”. That means being content with who you are as a person – inside.
I’ve done some stuff in my life I’m not too proud of but for the most part I am happy in my own skin.
I would describe myself as often childish: as in laughing at stupid stuff others would find immature. I do find pleasure in small things. Turns out you’re not supposed to stick your tongue out at people once you reach a certain age: like forty. Dammit.
What made me feel good this week?
Waking up this very morning.
I don’t mean in the sense I was obviously still alive, otherwise I would simply feel good every morning I wake up. (Come to think of it I probably do), but so especially glad to wake up this particular morning following a particularly horrible dream that seemed to last for an eternity.
I’ve had this type of dream many times in the past 30 years or so, I assume because of the sheer stress that accumulated in my working life. But despite having been retired for over eight years and lucky enough to lead one of the most unstressed lifestyles possible, this dream returned to my brain last night to haunt me yet again.
For most of my working life I’ve been either a musician or a radio broadcaster. Often the two had to mix, usually pretty successfully, but the more hours I put in, and the less sleep I got, the more the stress piled up. Eventually, after a few decades, I conked out and had to retire.
So the dream last night went like this……..First, there was a pandemic which delayed rehearsals for the annual pantomime of which I was the musical director; the musical director bit was also taken from real life. I used to choose the songs, arrange them for the various vocalists and for the chorus, and orchestrate them for the band, and conduct all the rehearsals and then perform with the band each night of the run. It took several weeks of constant hard work.
So, back to my dream. When rehearsals could begin, there was only two weeks left before the opening night. As the dream dragged on, I first of all couldn’t find any of my orchestrations, and I didn’t even remember where my musical equipment was stored, and basically, everything was going wrong. Slowly. Ever-so-slowly.
Then to top it all, my radio boss informed me that I would be presenting a virus-themed special set of important programmes, in the evening, every evening for the next two weeks. Which meant that I couldn’t attend and run the pantomime rehearsals. So no show. Or else I couldn’t present on the 
radio. So no job. As the pressure built up to what was always going to be a dreadful outcome, I woke up.
That made me feel so good. So very good. In fact, two hours later, and I’m still smiling at my great fortune.
What’s made me feel good this week?
Honestly, this week was a tough one for me in terms of work intensity. I’m doing now three jobs, two of them freelance, part-time, but they still consume lots of time and resources.
Last week was like living in a mad house to me. Writing an article here, editing another one there, developing an expedition itinerary for the Himalayan club where I work as creative director now: we’re trying to develop exotic tours to such exotic destinations as Nepal, Ethiopia, Tanzania with Kilimanjaro included plus Namibia with its beautiful ocean rolling onto sandy Martian deserts …
Too much entropy around me, sending waves into the Universe…
But today is Saturday and at least I had enough sleep. Just like this. I went to bed late at night yesterday and woke up today at 12:30 pm. Pretty good.
I must admit that this very thing, maybe quite a moderate one in terms of achievements or emotions, did make be feel really good this week. It is very basic,a very essential thing but you don’t want to go on without it. I’d say, you actually can’t. 
So with my today’s blog being as brief as it is but this exactly small thing makes me feel fantastic now. Plus I’ve got resources to continue doing things.
P.S.: the only one thing that I miss now is that I simply have no time or probably mental ability for running in the park. Hopefully, I will work it out soon, sort out my work-life balance and continue running throughout winter!