Donald Trump

My first thought would be to put him on the front line of an Intensive Care Unit, anywhere in the world. Show him what real people have to go through in their line of duty. But he’s too fat and too stupid to be anything but a danger, and in any case, his attitude would be to say “Suckers” to all the medical staff trying to save lives. The same kind of distain he reserves for the likes of active soldiers.

So, what to do with a failed politician, failed businessman, who has criminal tendencies and is a pathological liar. His CV doesn’t make for great reading, does it?

What could I give him? Where should I send him?

My second thought is that I consider him completely unemployable. There simply is no job on the planet I would want him anywhere near.

My third and final thought is to answer the question, and this is what I have come up with…..

Donald Trump should be an Animal Masturbator. Yes, the job really exists. People pay big bucks for things like horse semen. Ok, there are of course appliances that help with the process – sort of sex toys for animals. But our Donald would not get that privilege. Oh no, he would have to do it manually. 

Roger Bara

How much would you pay for animal semen personally jerked off by Donald Trump? Priceless.

What job would I now give to Donald Trump

It will be quick: the job of the US President. 

I’m not an American. I also fully realize that Russia is experiencing incomparably bigger problems than the US and this is not down to a Russian to teach Americans how to do business in their own country. 

Still, I feel like I’m making a point here: in November 2020 the American people have made a huge mistake by electing Joe Biden. Too old, too vulnerable a person in a hard world. 

Once he took the office, he immediately created havoc on the Mexican border, out of nothing. Sure, not really nothing: all those now-illegal immigrants would tomorrow vote for the Democratic party. This is the dirty trick. Shame… 

Business also wouldn’t like his Gargantuan infrastructure plans funded at its expense… This is all about taking money from one pocket and putting it into another. Not about creating jobs to generate wealth. 

Like I said before here on RUSUK, Trump Is no nice guy; neither has he got good manners. He’s no Obama. But he’s got other qualities, more precious: he’s tough, he’s got his vision and clearly communicates it as leader. Even at his own expense. To me, Trump is what a leader should be: fearless and having strong agenda to deliver and to ignite people. Yes, he is ‘love or leave it’ but this is the thing. 

Surely, this is not Biden’s case who tries to please both the left-wing Dems and the centrists. 

The US media, once the flagship of the free press in the world, has now turned to ‘fake news’, becoming very biased, one-sided, to my great surprise. I understand how fake news works in Russia, sponsored by the state. It is called propaganda but the US is no Russia. Or is it now in this regard? 

In amusement I’ve been watching the US fake news getting Trump down with all those investigations never proved to be true, only ruining his presidency. I also respect his negative attitude towards the ‘cancel culture’ destroying what America is. By today’s standards Columbus didn’t treat the Natives right but, come on, he lived five centuries ago. Where is your historic context outlook? How many more times should we re-write history based on today’s fashion? 

This is why in 2024, when Biden makes a big mess in the US and steps down, I would propose Donald Trump to once more try running for US President. Just to fix matters. 

Our Rusuk Blog writer Sergey

As of right now I’d propose him a first-row ticket watching Biden’s rule slipping into a Carter-like disaster: a good guy who’s just not fit his position.  

Fat Ass Mahoney

<phone rings>

Oh… Sorry… I should have turned this off before I sat down to write you. 


Hey Dean, it’s The Donald.

Um, Mr. President, Sir, how may I help you?

Listen, I’m down here at the Motel 6: came to town to do a big CPAC Convention. Look, you wouldn’t believe what a guy’s gotta’ go through for a lousy twenty-million these days. It’s a complete embarrassment.

I’m sure, Sir.

Listen, I found this book, Bebel it says… anyhow, it has a book of jobs. So I look and, shit, there ain’t even one job listing.

Mr. President, The Book of Job will not have any listings, Sir. However, I do have a suggestion if you’re in the employment market.

I do hope Mr. Trump took my advice because it’s the perfect job for him: Communications Director for the Holy Sea. This is a serious job with real responsibilities: 

  • Speech Writer for His Holiness, The Bishop of Rome
  • Maintain the Vatican Twitter Account
  • Schedule perfect phone calls for the Pope.

As you can see, Mr. Trump is, if anything, over qualified for the position and I know that I would take a real interest in Pope Francis’ Angelus weekly address:

“I’ll tell you guys, that damn Cardinal Mahoney, I just call him Fat Ass Mahoney, that fake is about to get his. I gonna put up three Southern Baptists Preachers against him at the next elections…I mean papal conclave.”

“There he is! Get him outta here… Toss him out. And if Fat Ass Mahoney happens to fall down that marble staircase on his way out, don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for your lawyers.”

Meanwhile, over on Twitter: “I didn’t touch that woman! Listen, if you look under that nun’s Catholic Burka, she’s a cow! With a dog face! You know I didn’t touch that!”

Photograph of Dean Lewis

Yes, Jesus’ love blankets us all… except Fat Ass Mahoney. 

And so, with deepest respect, I would like to nominate Donald Trump for Vatican Communications Director.