Turn offs Featured
Photograph of Dean Lewis

Oh my God!! It’s like… so… Whatever! Like, WTF! So now they expect me to, like totally write about like losers!

Here’s your first hint: Old age breeds contempt. Being a boy and of low breedin’ the phrase Turn Offs makes me think of sins committed by members of the opposite sex. 

I remember as a teenager going out with a woman who smoked. Among my hobbies, I have never taken up licking the bottom of ashtrays but I know what that would taste like. Kissing this girl stopped me from picking up the habit of ashtray licking. It also stopped me from ever dating a smoker again. Oral hygiene is one of my “things”. I use mouthwash at least twice a day and brush as recommended. I notice bad breath and I assume this is where I picked up that quirk.

I don’t become upset if somebody around me wants to smoke. If you want to light up after dinner, go ahead. But I don’t think you should smoke in a non-smoker’s car. Their car will stink of your cigarettes for weeks – uncool. The last time I went to a Comedy Club, I opened my closet the next morning and had to wash my jacket because it reeked of cigarette smoke. So, you can imagine dating a smoker isn’t a major turn on; or even on my list.

Playboy Bunny

One advantage of old age, and there are very few, is that it makes me consider those around me. I’m sure I am less judgmental than I was as a teenager. My turn offs don’t seem quite so important anymore and I believe I’m more likely to be understanding of others. Even though they are all bastards and I’m perfect. 🙂 

I have another major turn off: I hate being late. You learn in Physc 101 that people who are consistently late want attention. Making others wait for you makes you the centre of the room when you stroll in. I think I picked up this trait in broadcasting. I worked in Television Master Control for a few years and those guys live life at thirty frames a second. I was in radio for sixteen years and you learn to count seconds in your head. Networks don’t wait for you to finish. While I will not say anything, I get annoyed with people who can’t even be within fifteen minutes of ontime.

I remember as a little boy sneaking a look at Playboy Magazine. The Bunnies always had this section about their Turn Ons and it was always stupid stuff like “I love long walks on the beach with my man at sunset.” Even as a little boy, I know that was silly. Really? Really, think for a second: how many times have you ever taken a long walk on the beach with your man at sunset? More likely he’s on the sofa, burping, watching football.

My biggest turn-offs

Roger Bara

I know they do it mostly to make themselves feel better, but why do so many women feel they have to plaster their faces with cosmetics? Do you think they actually feel more attractive?

I readily admit I am now of an age where neither do I particularly care what I look like, nor what a member of the opposite sex looks like to me. But here’s my question. If your unmade-up face is not desirable to me, do you honestly think that daubing your skin and lips with paint is going to make me suddenly want to take you upstairs and give you a good hiding? No sir, it will have the exact opposite effect on me.

Woman with makeup

Lipstick is the devil’s grease paint. Your lips are gorgeous, why hide them under an expanse of toxic emulsion? Eye-liner? Why in God’s name do you have to underline your eyes? 

As I say again, you are pretty, nay beautiful, just the way you are. Spending half an hour smothering your facial features to distort how you really look, then go out for the evening, and then, unbelievably, spend another half an hour taking the shit off again before going to bed I find staggeringly superfluous. 

Oh, and one another thing. Almost as bad are the restaurants whose idea of white wine is to have it looking yellower than the state of my urine after a night on the tiles. Not that I’ve tried the latter, but I imagine the taste would be the same. Stop it.

My major turn-off

Our Rusuk Blog writer Sergey

This is easy; in my case, it is when people on the streets don’t scoop the poop. I use this expression as I first heard it in Alaska; this is what they do in their kennels. In my case, it is when people don’t pick up dog shit and don’t put it in garbage bags. I suspect, it happens all over Russia but I live in Moscow. 

It is a very powerful thing to me when we talk about turn-offs. 

As you probably know, Moscow is covered with snow in winter, and dog shit of various sizes and shapes is pretty easy to spot during this season. Yep, dogs still produce this substance in summer, but it is just not as visible then. Though equally dangerous. 

In winter, you can just walk around and see those ‘remains’ everywhere, to your left and your right. You have to watch out because if you step on it, you will have real problems. 

Dog Cleaning Poop

It is true that in some better parts of Moscow, dog owners care more and pick it up. I now moved to a place where they care less. It is especially cool when I go to walk with kids and I have to instruct them to watch out. Well, now they are ready for any surprises of such kind. So no casualties so far. 

The dog’s poop issue is a perfect marker of the country’s true level. You may produce some first-class literature and be successful in rocket science as a country. But…. this sensitive issue sends Russia right into third-world countries, I believe. 

However, there’s one thing I must admit: this winter I notice less poop than last year. Probably more people came to the conclusion that leaving dog shit on the streets is like not flushing the toilet. This looks promising.