Which conspiracy theory annoys me the most?

I’ve always thought that a conspiracy theorist would have to be stupid and usually American. With apologies to my good pal and co-writer Dean, I have to reluctantly admit that whilst they are stupid, remarkably so, sadly, these utter morons are not confined to that giant place across the Atlantic Ocean. Damn!

Britain appears to be home to millions more conspiracy theorists than I realised, with almost a quarter of the population believing Covid-19 was probably or definitely a hoax, according to recent polls.

About a third of the population are convinced that the cost-of-living crisis is a government plot to “control the public”, and similar numbers think “15-minute cities” – an attempt to increase walking and cycling, and lessen the use of personal transportation in neighbourhoods – are a government surveillance ruse, and that the “great replacement theory” – the idea that white people are being replaced by non-white immigrants – is happening. 

It gets worse. Almost one in five people said it was true or probably true that “the UK government carried out the 2005 attacks on the underground in London to encourage support for war in the Middle East”, and the same number said it was definitely or probably true that “the Manchester Arena attack involved ‘crisis actors’ who pretended to be injured or killed – people weren’t really killed or injured”. Unbelievable. And that’s not even taking into account the flat-earthers and moon-landing-deniers. What a bunch of moronic plonkers.

So, I’m going for the 15-minute cities conspiracy theory.  Some years ago, the urbanist Carlos Moreno suggested 15-minute cities as a broad planning concept based on people living within easy reach of workplaces and schools, as well as local amenities, gradually reducing the need for short car trips. Not a bad concept, if you think about it. 

Oh no! The losers that contaminate my birthplace decided that it was a government-sponsored part of a “great reset” or “climate lockdown” in which people are forcibly kept within their local neighbourhood and not allowed to travel. At the Conservative party conference, the transport minister even claimed: “Local councils can decide how often you go to the shops.” Such utter clap-trap.

Guess what? The U.K’s contemptable and disgraceful government has actually agreed with the conspiracists and have changed their transport policy, ending years of promoting walking and cycling. The wankers have promised to crack down on “anti-car measures”, while removing pro-active travel measures such as limiting through-traffic on residential streets.

All because of a fucking conspiracy theory.

Which conspiracy theory annoys me the most?

Humans are funny… we think we are soooo smart. We are smug in our superiority, not only to those with whom we share the planet, but to our own ancestors. We think those who came before us could not have been all that bright. 

Black cat cross the street? Better turn around just to be safe. And that cracked mirror; don’t look in it for sure. You are no smarter than folks from a couple hundred years ago. Just look at the rigging on a Ship of The Line sometime. I mean really look. Carefully walk around a steam locomotive. We ain’t got nothin’ on them boys.

Sure, they believed in bad luck but we have Jewish Space Lasers. How about the basement of that pizza shop where Hillary went to drink the blood of virgins? You know the one: the pizza shop in DC without a basement. I’ll tell you how stupid we are: many of us get our news from Facebook!

Of course, we do have some things our ancestors didn’t, like Fox Entertainment, which spreads our equivalent of witches on brooms. Fox loves lies like Trump winning the last election. “If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes accepted as truth.” Goebbels was right, you know.

I had some fun last night researching this article. So here was my favorite: According to conspiracy theorist David Icke, reptilian humanoids from the Alpha Draconis star system are responsible for a worldwide conspiracy against humanity. Fact: throughout history the world’s most famous dynasties and families have been working alongside these shapeshifting reptilians; the list of these accomplices include: the Merovingian dynasty, the Rothschilds, the Bush family and the British royal family. What’s even wilder is the percentage of people who believe in this conspiracy theory. Back in 2013, Public Policy Polling in America indicated that 4% of registered voters believed in David Icke’s theory.

I have my own conspiracy theory: These guys are not as crazy as you think. Here’s a link to David Icke’s online shop. Alex Jones? Yeah, worth millions. (Online store) Seriously; what are the odds of Marjorie Taylor-Green really being that stupid? (Donate here) If you really want to help, here’s a link to Trump’s website so you can donate to a billionaire. THEY are coming for you, he’s just in the way. Maybe the real conspiracy is that these guys are playing us and WE are the marks.

Which conspiracy theory annoys me the most

Choosing such a conspiracy theory would be easy for me. I live in a primarily anti-American country, its former rival that lost its fight back in 1991. Understandably, any rumour, idea, point, or conspiracy theory that blames or pisses off Americans runs just fine in Russia. 

My favourite one is that Americans have never been on the Moon. 

Yeah, it was all set up in Hollywood. You know, Americans are liars, and, at the same time, they know how to stage a great show. So here we go: they’ve never been there, on the Moon. 

I think the main reason for this is Russia’s jealousy. This is something that has intoxicated most Russian minds for decades. America is more successful, more skillful, more advanced, and more popular in the world. They also beat us in the moon race. 

How on Earth can this be? 

We spilled our blood during the World War II, and America was just sending some supplies instead of real fighting. We sent the Sputnik in 1957 and were first in space in 1961. We made the first space walk, and the first woman in space was also a Russian. 

And then… they did it on July 20, 1969. Did they? Of course, they didn’t! 

Americans fooled the whole world and their citizens. This is how it happens. What a grand show! We just couldn’t lose!

I am not really going to talk about evidence that Americans did land on the Moon. I’d just mention some of it; from laser reflectors on the Moon’s surface to overheard radio transmissions received by the Soviet and East German special services during the mission. Plenty of moon soil and dust have also been delivered to NASA labs. Plus, there actually were six successful expeditions to the Moon and back. And another one, unsuccessful, do you recall it? “Houston, we’ve got a problem…” 

I am just talking about the cultural phenomena. It annoys me and thrills me at the same time.