Most of them come from my kitchen.
I used to love kitchens. They were quiet havens where I—or, in the early days, mostly Mrs B—could cook on the hob or in the oven. That was the choice.
Nowadays, we have two air fryers, a microwave, an electric hob and oven, and they all shout at me. Each in a slightly different tone, but all equally aggressive. They’re saying, “I’m ready”, “Shake me”, “You’ve made an error”, or, worst of all, “I’m not entirely sure why I’m beeping, but you’ll probably find the answer somewhere in the instruction manual.”
Even with my rapidly failing hearing, they make sure I know.
Then there’s the smart fridge-freezer, which helpfully tells me whenever I leave one of its four doors slightly ajar. Ironically, I can’t hear those warning bleeps unless I’m wearing my hearing aids because they’re pitched somewhere up in the stratosphere. I’d much prefer the reassuring boom of a foghorn.
It’s all so noisy, so unnecessary. I walk into my modern kitchen feeling as though I’m tiptoeing through a minefield of electronic complaints.
So that’s two of the three sounds I hate.
My most hated sound?
Silence.
That’s not a joke.
Mrs. B has, sadly, countless health problems, including several autoimmune conditions, but the overwhelming symptom is chronic fatigue. This isn’t simply feeling tired. It’s the inability to function—to lift your head to eat or walk to the end of the garden. Thank goodness she can still make it to the bathroom. Just.
I love waking up and hearing her bump into the furniture, chatting to the dogs, boiling the kettle for our early morning cuppa—simply hearing her moving around the house.
Bliss.
But when I wake to nothing but silence, I know what it means. It’s a bad day. Sometimes a very bad day.
I hate silence.
Even though I love Simon and Garfunkel, their The Sound of Silence leaves me cold. My choir wanted to sing it, and we did. Thankfully, nobody knew how much I disliked its central sentiment.
They enjoyed singing it.
I never will.
Three Sounds I Hate
Here’s my list. Actually, I found out that I am fine with most sounds of the universe. Except for…
Sound I hate #1:
Recently, I spent three weeks in Kazan and on the banks of the mighty Volga, seeing my daughters there. It is no secret that Ukraine has launched deep strikes a while ago, flooding Russia’s airspace with drones. Plenty of them are aimed at Moscow. Yet, in Moscow I don’t see often SMS notifications about drone attacks on my phone here. I think, because of obvious reasons. It is very sensitive, politically, to irritate the demanding population of Moscow. Otherwise, this would have been another kind reminder that the blessed ‘Special Military Operation’ has gone wrong. Well, not as intended. Light years away, I’s say.
However, drones also hit other regions. Tatarstan is one of them as, obviously, there are some targets. Unlike Moscow, at the night of attack, people of Kazan, Russia’s third city, are pleased to hear very, intentionally, unpleasant sounds of an air attack, blended with AI-generated (I suppose) harsh voice that says: “Please go to shelters, we’re under attack. Wait for more information,” and so on. The whole impression is not a scary one, as people there got used to it and nobody, I suspect, rushes to shelters because of drones. Chances of being hit are, realistically, low. After all, these are not ballistic missiles. Yet.
The problem is that my younger daughter, 9, was very afraid to hear that crap for the first time. And for the second. And for the third…
I can only thank once again those divined people, blessed ones, who started the SMO. I am sure, we will see many more glorious victories looming ahead, soon. I also think: karma might really exist. In this case, not an instant one, like John Lennon put it, but, hopefully, with a prolonged effect.
Sound I hate #2:
A mosquito’s annoying buzzing when this damned creature is flying around, trying to land and sting you. It is like a little real drone, but it is more irritative and, in fact, more dangerous, because there is a 100% chance that this thing (or another one) will bite you! And before that, you will suffer from its nemesis sound.
Sound I hate # 3:
Morning sounds of lawnmowers. Moscow is flooded with municipal workers, mostly of Central Asian origin, who start the engines of their hellish Chinese-made machines to get the job done. They are noisy and reek of cheap, low-quality petrol that poisons the air around them, at least for a while. Can you imagine what giant mosquitoes would sound like? This is it. Plus, the guys run them for about 15–20 minutes to finish the job. It is enough time to get mad!
Three Sounds I Hate
Thankfully this is written because I have no clue what my second two will be. I can run off for an entire afternoon and it will still look like I know what the hell I’m talking about.
The first one is easy; the sound of your car throwing an engine rod. I have only heard that sound twice. The first was as a young boy. My Father’s Vista Cruiser station wagon was running down the highway. A loud knock, knock, knock… it is not something you ever want to hear. Once you hear that exact sound, you’ll remember it for the rest of your life.
I just came back from the corner market so I have another one: have you ever heard someone break a bone? Yeah, not a sound you want to hear coming from you. It’s a loud pop… very close to the pop you’ll hear when a joint becomes un-jointed. Yet another sound you don’t want coming from inside you. Fortunately, not something I have had the pleasure of emitting. Breaking and springing are much the same sound to my ear. And who the hell came up with spring? That doesn’t sound too bad to me. Somebody really needs to invent a new word for springing a joint. That almost sounds good; it’s like you’re getting ready to light some weed. “Don’t go home now, I’m getting ready to spring a joint!” Ah, to be young again.
There are some sounds I have a visceral response to, like a dog crying in pain. That high yelp, will make me run to see what’s happening. I’m not sure that qualifies as a sound I hate. I would respond the same way to any person or animal in distress. Maybe I should describe that as a sound I hate. It’s certainly a sound I respond to. OK, I’ll make that my third: a dog howling in pain is a sound I hate.